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Friday, September 11th, 2009
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8:27 am
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I had a really weird dream that confused me.
Most of my dreams kind of make sense, and the rest dont, but this im trying to make sense out of.
I was me in my dream.. The first dream was about evan and i was in the city with aunya and ran into evan and he kept trying to kiss me. i kept telling him no and he was being really annoying. Then after that i had a dream which was kind of part of the last one.. and i all the sudden "remembered" that before jason and after evan i had a boyfriend. I remember the relationship was very shortlived and he used to live with pat at the maxine house, and jason wasnt living there. I had forgotton his name for some reason and i started to remember bits of my memory about him, and about our relationship ending when he just disappeared completely, didnt call me. We were playing wheel of fortune video game or something and he got angry about something aNd then left and neither pat or the maxine house, or me ever saw him again. So i called up pat or imed him and asked him "do you remember the guy i used to date before jason?" and hes like "yeah sean..." So his name was sean.
And i said, what happened to him? and pat said.. oh you dont know? he died... cardiac arrest in august like a year ago. Which would be around the time we broke up. So after that i just started crying hysterically.. and the whole dream i was just crying and crying so i go to my mom and start crying and im like "why? why did i just forget him like that? like he got erased from my memory??" He apparently went to my middle school and i was looking for him in my year book because i hardly remembered what he looked like. When i found pictures he looked like a young version of john connor from terminator 2 or something. Except he had black hair.. and big blue and green eyes, very young boyish features hair that kind of fell infront of his face, he looked like a gutter punk.. He was very good looking and i suddenly remembered that i adored the shit out of him, but he was just really complicated and wild and depressed. Which was scary during the relationship i "remembered". i ended up walking out of my house with denisse and james my ex ex ex boyfriend was outside with some big dog and i told him, and he didnt really respond to me or comfort me. Sometime after that i realized i was dreaming but i wsant lucid enough to really understand that in my waking life i didnt know this "Sean" or had him as a boyfriend, so, i still believed IT. so i continued in my dream trying to look for sean in the dreamlife because apparently some spirits can get in your dream from the "other side." So i thought maybe crying about sean would bring him to me... so i awoke in another dream with jason.. and jasons taking his clothes off on my old bunkbed i owned during highschool, and im like. youre not sean.. and hes liek yes i am.. but he was this other version of jason, he didnt really look like him... and im like no youre not him.. and he just smiled and im like if youre sean then.. why did you make yourself look like jason..? He didnt respond.. the next dream i ended up going out with people, and i was basically crying the whole time..and i started remembering that around the time we were dating i was filming my everyday life, and that i probably had tapes of us, so i ran and was repeated "i gotta find those tapes!" and i ran into sean on the way.. and he started mocking me crying.. and im like sean is that you?? why are you making fun of me?? why did you die? why did you disappear on me and never talk to me again? he didnt really respond he just smiled and i gave him a huge hug like i missed him so much. ? THEN, he disappeared again and i was hanging out with jaqui and nicole and pat and some others.. and we all took a shot of saki, and i went to a laptop and searched his name on dream google ahhaa, and i saw articles about him dying... and since i was with nicole, she just looked at the article and started tearing and said "how come i didnt know about this?" Apparently he died by eating some kind of topical cream or something... and one of his last words were it tastes just like lindsay... im like lindsay? and nicole said yup.. apparently they had dated long time in the past maybe... i dunno... it was really weird... really... really weird.. i kind of woke up at that point still feeling liek i was mourning the death of someone.. just really really sad until i remembered i dont know a sean........
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| Sunday, August 30th, 2009
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12:25 am
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Im very confused to hear that i have a reputation of being a cheating lying slut and whose also a homewrecker and would steal your boyfriend. when ive never cheated in any relationship, im very honest and even jason and all my exes and friends can vouch for that, and i can never have random sex, ive tried it once and i fell in love with the person and wanted a relationship out of it, i only have sex when im in a relationship and I have always respected others relationships even if i had liked a man who was in a relationship, i immediately shut those feelings off when i hear theyre in one. And i mean calling me a homewrecker is so funny to me because, well, if you knew me and my family history, youd know why calling me that is very funny. So. i dont know. I'm sure theres a lot of jealousy and emptiness involved in the lives of those who started and spread these false accusations and lies.
so im just going to ignore it *^_^
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| Saturday, August 15th, 2009
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3:33 am
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| Wednesday, August 12th, 2009
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4:10 pm - Something important to me.
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So, I feel like I've been changing, and hopefully for the better. A lot of it has to do with a class I took last month where I was reminded of the fact that I need to keep my ego in check. The instructor for the class is the same instructor I had for music theory and he is honestly the most inspirational person I have ever met. Everything he says has so much meaning and truth to it that it hurts. I recorded every single lecture that he gave on a digital microtrack recorder and have listened to them almost religiously. I think hes a buddhist so a lot of what he discusses i assume are buddhist beliefs. That everything around you is just images and ideas to keep us feeling safe and stable when in fact we're living in a world of true instability and uncertainty. Everything we do is because of fear and human kind is not working, but we can alleviate this suffering by killing the ego. i mean of course theres a lot more to it, and of course, a lot better said by him than I can at this time and of course, i am by no means even close to understanding it as well as he does, but I have this strong attraction to him. Its strange. I feel like I always want to be around him. Not in a sexual kind of way. He is my instructor and probably 30/40 after all. I remember being sad the last day of class that I probably wouldn't be speaking with him again, however, in order to make myself feel better, i sent him an email telling him all of what i said, how i felt, how much i would love it if he had individual classes or life coaching, we also discussed lucid dreaming in class which i am proficient in, and hes just a beginner, so i recommended tips, and some other things while he recommended some books for me. I was so nervous that he would think i was hitting on him, or what he thinks in general. I guess it could be considered a "CRUSH" but its not that elementary. i dont want to be WITH him, i really look up to him. I was super excited to see him after this long break and he stopped me in the hallway just to explain his attempt at lucid dreaming after i had suggested some things. It made me smile hardcore. He mentioned his wife somewhere in there and I was very confused about my reaction! I felt minorly jealous immediately and then it wore off when I quickly realized that its not him who I'm attracted to, its his way of thinking, or the way of a buddhist, hes just the messenger who reminded me this is the way I want to be. I don't even know him! jealousy is so fucking juvenile. And I hate that I still can feel it even for a split second. I feel like I'm slowly getting to a point where I will be able to abolish jealousy or not feel it like I used to, because I don't have to, and I don't want to, and if i keep reminding myself that the world isn't about me, then it wont happen. I also have got to stop self projecting!
I feel like I've always had or developed overtime, this natural ability of keeping "tabs" on myself. Trying to see myself in other peoples eyes.. am i seeming to this and that? Why do i care? Why am i saying, feeling, acting, behaving in this way? Its best so that I learn from my actions. To constantly be an observer. But sometimes, i forget .. i will say or act a certain way where I had just forgotten that I might be hurting somebody, or my actions are caused by a hidden insecurity, or wanting to prove something to somebodt. And i feel for a while... i think after evan and i broke up.. and even during our relationship... ive gone through cycles of wanting to be more.. spiritual... wanting more of a different kind of thinking, trying to better my spiritual self, i guess. And then there were other times where i just.. get bored.. or i completely forget and act foolishly
A good example of this is.. livejournal.. its a total ego trip!!
Why do I HAVE one?? I've used this thing to feed my ego until its fat. im sure of it. Trying to make ex boyfriends jealous, trying to prove something to.. who? trying to let the world know im smart.. or.. sad.. depressed.. happy.. gloating... i have no idea... probably all these things. I do keep this as a database of emotion and time gone by. And sometimes i get back to this feeling and its uncomfortable because it means that im imperfect. I am/was that shallow, I am/was manipulative. I am/was trying to get attention. I just have to keep remembering to be sincere in my actions because i hate to be what i don't like in other people. I need to be honest with myself, and so do other people. Why do i do the things that i do? And when you ask yourself that, and get to the root of the issue... it will feel truly uncomfortable, and stay in that uncomfortable feeling.. and dont do it. There have been times where I have posted something on livejournal that was totally gloating about my relationship. Im thinking.. who am i trying to impress here? Am i trying to make others/exboyfriends specifically jealous? What does this prove exactly? I'm totally using other people for my own egotistical needs and that is NOT okay. And then I will delete that post.. and realize... i didn't like how I was acting.. it was ugly and I don't want to be that way.
There were times where Id be in a conversation or something and Im talking about something i have no idea about and sometimes, well recently, all the time I will rightfully admit I have no idea what i was talking about and I will shutup. Because what am i trying to prove to someone really? Im hiding my true self because i want you to like me. it takes SO much effort to be or act something that you are not and it hurts but in the past, I had no fucking stop button I was so insecure that I would change with every group of person I would hang out with. I would lie about who i was, how i felt about something or somebody, or lie about situations either to get sympathy, to get sexual attention, to seem superior to other people. And I wouldn't admit to what I was doing outwardly.. and as im growing, Ive made it more and more important to point this out to myself and stop acting retarded because Its obvious when I see it in other people and i think... i am suffering just as much as they are. I want to stop this. You only learn about your faults through other people anyway, whether they point it out to you or you see yourself in them.
And im always going through cycles of being the witness and then my ego takes over and kills the witness off for a little while. But i think its going to stay this time.
and i think thats a start to something new... good.
i guess this post is mostly just for me to look back on this and read it. maybe someone else feels the same way i do that might want to comment, and just saying these things is a total relief. Its like I don't have to hide me anymore. a real true journal that is all sincere and honest is one that you keep private anyway, not one other people can read because what you say will be influenced in such a way. even if its just a minor influence that is so subconsciously hidden, you can't bring yourself to release it.
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| Thursday, August 6th, 2009
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12:33 pm
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i dont want to graduate. im scared. i dont want to graduate i dont want to graduate.
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| Monday, August 3rd, 2009
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11:22 am
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Hare Krishna!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HARE KRISHNA!!!!!!!!!
Krishna Krishna Hare Hare
Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare
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| Wednesday, July 29th, 2009
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1:29 pm
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| Tuesday, July 28th, 2009
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3:34 pm
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| Friday, July 24th, 2009
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12:10 am
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i just played the lost via domus game and it was awesome
im so sad that i finished it so fast though!
i hope they come out with a new one. and fast
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| Tuesday, July 21st, 2009
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6:49 pm
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| Monday, July 6th, 2009
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11:53 pm
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i made arroz con leche and it tastes so good.. i had some while it was hot but it should be eaten cold. its in the fridge right meow.
my mom found a new lump in her breast, again. i dont know why that keeps happening but its scary. she has an appointment on wed.
Im at home, alone. its so odd to be seperated from jason. i decided to stay here but it feels awkward not sleeping with him. whatever.
i dont have anything to say at all really.
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| Saturday, July 4th, 2009
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1:21 pm
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i woke up at about 9am and saw jason sleeping next to me with his huge *thingy* poking my backside, and when i went back to sleep i had this long sex dream with him it was amazing and it felt so good and its funny how much orgasms are all in your head sometimes. anyway, when the alarm woke us up, i was sooo ready but he had to get up to get ready for work. i was like NOOOOOOOOoooooooooo. it was a horrible feeling.
last night we had our own little michael jackson dance/drink party by ourselves. i found this old vhs in a drawer at my house that hasnt been opened since 1993...*cobwebs* and the vhs just said michael jackson on it. i blew the dust off of it and put it in. all my memories of this tape came back. my parents would record michael jackson shit for me when i was younger. we had a lot of fun last night. then we, drunkily, headed off to safeway really late at night and made dinner together while listening to bush hahaha.
im starting to lose some weight, finally. Ive been doing this workout which is so freaking painful i hate it. its this dvd my mom got years ago called the firm and its been working, i just have to do it almost everyday for an hour to get in shape again.. yes its a full hour! its exhausting and im drenched with sweat by the end of it, so i always have to freaking shower afterwards. i hate it. i hate it i hate it! but atleast its working, i guess. I just don't understand how people can workout everyday and enjoy it. i just don't. and i never will. i shave my part of my eyebrows for upkeep, because i hate plucking, and i accidentally shaved part of it off. Now, i look like a retard.( ._.)
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| Wednesday, July 1st, 2009
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1:21 am
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i love love love jason <3
its so hard spending just one day without him. and thats a painful but wonderful feeling at the same time.
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| Sunday, June 28th, 2009
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12:58 pm
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Hiii
it was a beautiful day yesterday, and today too. I went to the pride festival with jaqui to a) watch my dad perform with his band and b) hula hoop the day away. everyone was being really retarded though, running into our hula hoops when they clearly know we're hula hooping.. they just walked right through us! they could have went around! and everyone wanted to try our hula hoops like they have never seen a hula hoop before and they drop them and scuff them all up :(. But it was all a lot of fun, i only wish jason went with us but he had work.
there was a lot of nudity, and there were cute birds bathing in a cute bird bath.
the end.
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| Friday, June 26th, 2009
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4:28 pm
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gahd! i just watched this montage of michael jackson and the background music was that song that goes youuu are nooott alloonnne
and it seriously brought on some tears. it is so freaking sad! i know he hasnt made anything recently, but it makes me sad that he'll never perform any of those songs again live in person.. like paul mccartney still does. and when i listen to him in my car, itll be like listening to sublime and thinking about bradley, except brad overdosed without knowing how huge he will become, and michael knew it already.
plus my kids will never know who he is alive. :(
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| Tuesday, June 16th, 2009
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2:56 pm
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| Saturday, June 6th, 2009
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2:03 pm
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im pmsing really bad its hard to focus on my lab at school today. :|
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| Friday, May 29th, 2009
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1:01 pm
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ive been really busy
so busy that last week not only have i gotten sick.. but jason and i spent a little bit of time planning our 1 year anniversary...we didnt have definite plans but we knew it was on tuesday of this week. Then when it came to be tuesday, i had class all day that day.. snd then i came over jasons and watched 6 ft under and was so tired i went to sleep
the next day (yesterday) i had class all day and when i came home jason said BIG BUSINESS (our fav band) is playing at the bottom of the hill tonight lets go! so right after skewl i got ready and drove to bottom of the hill. Then later that night on our drive home.. i had realized we BOTH forgot our anniversary and i started crying
and he said we'd celebrate it this weekend :)
haha
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| Saturday, May 16th, 2009
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2:52 pm
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ive been working out hardcore recently and taking these vitamins i got from whole foods thats supposed to "aid" not "stimulate" my thyroid gland so it functions properly because its not.
Nothing Ive been doing works so my metabolism needs a kick in the ass big time.
Ever since i started my birth control my weight has been out of control and it probably also has to do with other factors im not mentioning, but even when I was going hiking a lot and eating less, i was gaining weight. It was pretty ridiculous.
I've switched to this new dvd that leaves me soaked in sweat for an hour. I am noticing a small difference just using this workout. Its a whole hour of just cardio exercises. My only concern is losing my breast and my ass that jason loves so much, apparently I just got my bra fitted and they fitted my for a 34 D. I guess I've been wearing the wrong size this whole time. But I'm sure that will go down as soon as I lose weight.
Whatever, I don't fit into any of my clothes recently so, I have to do this. And I've been looking really hideously in recent pictures, i just look like a sloppy mess all around and thats the truth.
Im starting a new term on tuesday. I'm taking Game Audio where we learn audio programming and an introduction to programming in games. Im super excited for this, and ... dvd authoring where I will be developing my "Reel" I'll be going to class pretty much everyday including weekends again, but its from 12pm-7pm. Not bad!!!
BTW Jason started his new job at the Painted Siren, and I'm so proud of him. I think it's seriously changed him, hes more motivated and happy now. And when hes happy, I'm happy. And our relationship is happy. Hes just.... so easy to be with. In a good way. Ive been so sick of how complicated my other relationships were going. There was never a middle ground.. they never knew what they wanted or incorporated me into their future or made me feel special, that or they were too boring or i wasn't attracted to them. Or all those things mixed together. Instead, Jason and I just make sense and we don't need to fight about anything, so we never do. And if we do have a disagreement we talk it out and fix it. Its just... easy. Its great. i just wanted to get that out.
ANYWAY
EVERYONE CHECK OUT THE PAINTED SIREN TATTOO SHOP.
He works weekends 1714 palmetto Ave Pacifica. Please :) itd make me and him very happy.
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| Friday, April 24th, 2009
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10:24 pm
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my birthday is on the 6th and i dont think i have time to do anything for my birthday this year...AGAIN
and if i do.. itd be on the weekend and jason wont be able to go because he'd be working at his new job. :( although im really really proud of him more than i have ever been and he should.
im hoping to get a few things for my birthday
the girls next door dvds all seasons haha
bumble and bumble thickening shampoo
bumble and bumble brilliantine
a pink hoola hoop
a book to keep all my peabody comics in
a cake?
trampoline place
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